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Biding my time

I want to go to bed, but my kid has too much energy still so I'm up with her until our appointed bed time. It REALLY sucks feeling crappy all the time and thus by the end of the day you just want to go to bed but then this lovely little kid just isn't ready for it. I don't blame her, mind. I actually miss the days when I was like that. Maybe not 4 years old, persay, but when I actually felt good and thus had energy for most of the day. My husband and I are much too young, in my opinion, to be feeling and acting like the elderly. It makes us both sad that we are, but there are just too many things to be done and too many things wrong with us respectively that compound into "I'm bushed" by 6~7pm. My husband's job is physical, which is tiring on its own, and also starts at 4am. I, however, don't start my day until 6am and work far less as far as work goes (part-time 20-30 hrs) but I do handle the grocery shopping, housework, other errands and the kid all day so that, I suppose, adds up in a way too. I'm trying very hard to not be the exhausted one. I'm slowly figuring things out, making changes, but it's a process. Especially when you're stuck waiting on doctor appointments. At this point the only over-the-counter/home remedy I haven't tried is taking a daily allergy pill like Claratin (etc). I aim to try that tomorrow since it's going to be about a month until I can see the next doctor anyway. I'm managing, not as well as I'd like, but I am managing. Doing what I can as often as I can. Is it anywhere near what I want? No, but life is like that. If I have to be out, I have to be out. If I have things to do at home, I have things to do at home, etc. I want to get there, I really do. It's just slower going than I would love.

Hearts and distractions

Pulled my upper back muscle(s) somehow yesterday and it barely let me sleep last night so I am a bit of a wreck today. Grabbed some caffeinated coffee to see if it would help me enough to still go to work; I've yet to determine those results. Warned my boss already of the possibility I may not be in so there's no real pressure, but my tax return amount reminded me how little I've been able to work in the past 6 months. It's hard. We're OK over all, but we could be better. (always, right?) My husband and I had a heart to heart last night, I know in the past I've wanted an actual wedding, but as the years went by (and a child) it became more and more clear to me that an actual wedding isn't going to be an actual wedding like it was for my friends and two sisters. They all had both sides of the family present, I can't. Hell, I can't even have all of his side present even with how split things are on his mother's side. So, the more I thought about it the less appealing an actual wedding became. My husband did try to say that the people on his side who could come would love to, for sure, and that made my heart smile a little. Yet, I don't know if it's enough to still try and go through with a ceremony. It still seems more reasonable to just get the licence and pay for whatever changes I need to make to take his name. I am still not 100% decided, but I'm still very heavily leaning towards just the licence method. In other news I've just been dealing with up and down wellness, trying to keep up with everything and playing what games I want to play. My thoughts, lately, have been a lot on getting back into digital art and taking it seriously this time, but first I need a chair I can actually sit in for more than 30 mins at a time. My husband already said I can get a new computer chair once we get our tax money, and waiting is fine, but it really has been on my mind a lot. Pretty much, right now, I've just been focused on needs and distractions. I still have to get in to the ENT to follow up and see what the next step(s) are. I feel like my balance has gotten a little worse, amazingly. I know my hearing has. So, again, little by little. I should get my daughter's things ready though, she has school soon and we still have a stop to make before her school. I'll get there, I know I will, I just don't know in what state my health will be in anymore. Hopefully I'll be fine, but my bad days are pretty bad, if I'm honest.

Consistently hurting myself

But not in the way you think. Let me clarify: Caffeine is bad for you, but we can handle it just fine, even happily so in small amounts. Like anything take/drink/do responsibly. However for me, with the problems I have with my ears, caffeine, even in small amounts takes a toll on me. Yet I still drink coffee. Now, I have greatly lessened my intake, and have also been experimenting with different levels of caffeinated vs decaffeinated and I think I've not only found a creamer that doesn't make me sick, but also I think going full decaf will sate my desire for coffee (as I love the taste) and greatly lessen the effects of the caffeine on my ears. I feel strongly that I can get myself back down to safe or non-existent levels of caffeine, just have to take myself down slowly. Melatonin and chamomile tea are helping me get that deeper rest I've been needing for a long time so needing the actual caffeine is becoming increasingly unnecessary. Yet the taste I still crave. Hopefully I can get this sorted out in the coming month and no longer have this issue altogether. Otherwise things are well. The state of the country as a whole seems to be a bit of a mess, but I also feel very strongly that you have to really break some things before people realize just how much it needs to be fixed. Do I like our new president? No, and I did not vote for him, but a lot more than our voting methods (counts?) - thingies needs to be fixed. All we can do is what we can for ourselves and our fellow man and see what happens. He may need to be impeached, or he may, in a horribly awkward way, do some good; who knows. All I know is we're on thin ice right now. Maybe it'll hold and we'll make it across this treacherous stretch or maybe it'll break and we'll have to band together to find a way out to safety. All I can do from my little microcosm is have empathy, use what little social media I do use to spread awareness and if there's anything else I see I can do to help I will do. Yet I'm not a protester, I'm not in a financial state to make donations to charities or causes. Hell, most times I don't even have cash on me to spare to the homeless I see from time to time (though I have before when I could). Am I taking what most would consider an active role to make a difference? No. I have my own responsibilities and comforts to worry about; my own people to worry about. Yet, I am of a mind that if I can spare it or help, I do. That's all I can do. We all just have to keep going and do what we can when we can. Hopefully things will get better for everyone.

Too much, too little

It feels like my days are busier than I think they really are. I finally admitted to myself that my sleeping habits are the greater issue causing several others. My ears are still their own independent issue, however they have caused poor sleeping habits for me and in the past year has caught up with me. Waking up to upper back and neck pain causing substantial headaches that I have to nurse more often than not is unpleasant and causes other problems like being more tired and lack of focus which in turn cause frustration and poor mood. Hopefully, if the weather holds, I can attend my back appt this coming Thursday with a new doctor and perhaps get more guidance than I have received so far. Granted, I have been remiss on some of the guidance I have been given in other areas due to one reason or another towards the end of the crazy last year, but I need to renew my efforts now that things are over all calmer. My eating habits need to be revised again because I have let them go for too long for one reason or another. I have visibly gained weight, and I feel it. I haven't touched a scale because HOW much I weigh has become irrelevant to me, but how I feel and how my clothes fit is VERY relevant. So, little by little I'm making adjustments and trying to adjust myself to smaller portions and so on. I know once the weather improves (and my kid stops being sick, for crying out loud) going out walking and such will pick back up, but since we have been dealing with sickness and also very cold, unfit weather, we have remained indoors as much as possible. The exercise bike we used to have rusted and broke having to be outside due to lack of space, but it wasn't a very good machine anyway. No, what I need is to get my diet under control and soon work on more walks outdoors. I haven't been at my computer as much since I got back from FL. A shitty chair doesn't help that, but the main reason is there are other things I would prefer to be doing like catching up on tv shows with my husband, playing handheld games and also putting in extra home hours at work now that I have the means to do some work from home. There are also books to read, but I haven't gotten to those yet either. Only so much time and energy in a day. Right now I need to convince or drag my 4 year old out of the house to work. Hopefully it'll be a quick day and I can just bring home another project. We'll see.

All in time

Well, it's proving difficult putting my foot down. It's hard not coming across as attacking/argumentative. Last night I saw that almost everything in the fridge remained untouched so it prompted me to ask what my husband and daughter ate all day. My husband, being lazy, warmed up his breakfast sandwiches, that I bought him for work, for him and our daughter. Then, being lazy again, only ate chips and dip for himself for lunch. Now our daughter had a decent enough lunch, which is good, but I had to point out to him that there were meals in the fridge that were going to get thrown out/wasted if they weren't eaten. His defense was that he wasn't sure what I had in mind for dinner/when I was coming home so he was just biding his time; which I get. Yet he did not ask me either of those questions when I was at work. He got upset, but noticeably not at me. He went and finished the dishes, which was something else I commented on, and once he finished and warmed himself up some spaghetti we sat down to watch some things and talk more about Pokemon and other such topics. He recovered, acknowledged I was right and we went on to have a decent evening. I made sure to apologize, though, in case I came off as attacking, because I wasn't meaning to if I did. But that was the only thing I apologized for. I recognize it's hard to tell with me sometimes what my mood/meaning is when I say some things. He has the same problem too, I've noticed. So it's hard, good, but hard right now. I want this year to be the year we continue to work through this. I still, amazingly, believe in us. I fear for us, always, but I believe in us. I know everything we accomplish is going to be slower gotten than my family would like, but I believe we will get there somehow someday.

Even a little bit....

It seems we're still "just making it" financially. I know I have been lax on work due to illness, sleep schedules and also lack of work to do, but now that Christmas is over I am hoping things will settle in more and that things will pick up even just a little bit for my boss. If not I may be seriously looking into a second job. It will be hard to schedule one since I need only part time and late shifts, but I will have to go full swing hunting if things don't change even a little for the better soon. My husband is due for a raise soon which will help, but if things with my job don't pick up at least a little more than we're not doing as well as we could be. My best friend keeps lecturing me about my kid playing video games, but she doesn't play them all the time. She alternates, on stay home days, between them and movies and playing with me/us and playing by herself with her toys. On not home days I try to get her out as much as I can to do whatever; the mall, the park, school, etc. So yes, my 4 year old plays video games, but not 24/7. My husband may have grown up like that thanks to a mother who didn't let him do anything anyway, but he knows she can't do that all the time too so we're doing our best to balance our shared love for video games and actually "being a kid" as my friend puts it. The stress of Christmas is finally past, but I still can't help that lingering precariousness that is my mother currently. A lot of what I learned being home for 3 weeks is that things aren't "good". Mom is going through a lot and I get that, but at the same time she's bringing a lot of that onto herself I noticed. It's hard to balance that kind of situation, especially when the person doesn't see it that way. Hopefully things get better for her and everyone else there. My two sisters are doing well for themselves so no worries about them. I'm mostly worried for my two aunts and my parents (all for different reasons). While I worry for them, however, I truly just want to focus on things here with me and my little family. Not to sound like I don't truly care, but there is little or nothing I can do for the other people in my family, what with being across the country from them and all. Even if I wasn't though, I still feel there would be little I could do regardless. Right now, I just want to get over this cold, play pokemon and work more. It's not what some people would call a fulfilling life, and that's true, but that's all I want right now.

Weathering

Things seem.....fine. I mean, I still sense precariousness, but less so now. I also feel more and more distant from my family, not in the sense of I love them and they love me; in the sense that I don't see or value some things the way they do. I have talked to my two closest friends about this whole Christmas situation and both of them could NOT conceive how to spend the exorbitant amount of money I was given on my 4 yr old. While I appreciate the help and how they want to "shower my daughter with happiness and love" there are limits. There's only so much a 4 yr old needs/wants and only so much room for things in our small apartment. Also, using some of that money for things like keeping our cars running or paying an important bill to keep our lives going smoothly (my husband got his own route and a promotion soon too) IS for her happiness and benefit. My husband has been pretty tired this week and going to bed early, totally fine and understandable, but last night when I came to bed he woke to cuddle me for a little bit; it was REALLY nice. Things like that make me feel better, reassure me. I just wish he would do them a little more often. We haven't had the chance to go over her stuffed animals again, I've been busy with work, Christmas gifts and tending to home and child. I have NOT worked much this week trying to get other things done, but hopefully that will change after Christmas. Hopefully, too, this medicine I'm taking will stop making me feel weird, because that is hard to work through as well. I don't just mean work when I say "work through", I mean work through anything period. It's making my ears ache a bit sometimes, then it makes my hearing sound......glassy? Idk how to describe it actually, but it doesn't sound right. Then there's the fact that it IS making it so I have to pop my ears less, but not dramatically so. Still I have to power through this for a month before I can check in with the doctor. I'm just trying to focus on my immediate world, but my larger world hasn't escaped my conscience. I feel like my family will get further away from me and part of me is sad while part of me would be relieved. I feel as difficult as ever if I'm honest, and I want nothing more than to be left alone to focus on the things I need and want for my family and myself. I'm doing all I can/know how to do. I still feel like things will get better for me, it's just going to take a while longer.

Eggshells

It's been a whirlwind since I left for FL and came home. From feeling at home with my best friend to being crucified by my mother to coming home to a loving husband who flipped on a dime the next day. My husband and I are trying to work things out, and I am trying to appease both him and my mother with their demands, but it's exhausting. Everything feels fragile to me. I made a stupid comment last night that my husband got upset about, I apologized for it and tried to explain why that comment came out but it didn't feel good enough. He doesn't make me feel good enough quite often. I feel like things are glossed over so he can appreciate and enjoy what he does love about me, us and our family. I also feel that a lot of this could also be not true and it's just my anxiety talking because looking back on my life, growing up with my mom made me quite anxious from an early age. I never felt not loved, that was not the case, but I often felt not good enough in many regards. I never seemed to attract the right kind of men, I never made enough money, I never had a 5 year plan or large aspirations, and I never made a career out of my art. Now my husband is no walk in the park himself, he doesn't have any close friends for several reasons. None of them bad, but he's got a potent and set kind of personality thanks to his lack of upbringing and life experiences. Yet, because of that, him having no outlet makes things worse for me and possibly our daughter when she gets older. The only person I knew to turn to, who used to be his close friend, pretty much told me he couldn't be friends with him again. With no outlet for him, and my outlets thousands of miles away we're stuck. We're trying to grow regardless, trying to figure out ways to help each other, but it's very hard. I lapse constantly, I don't want or mean to, but stupid reactions come out like last night's comment without a second thought. He does the same thing sometimes, but I'm supposed to swallow it for him while he wants an explanation for me. I know this sounds very one-sided, and it likely is, but I have to make the best of this in every way I can. Walking away will be a nightmare I don't want to live if I don't have to. I also DO love and appreciate him, there is a good person here, not just "inside" but actually HERE. If not I know I would've walked away long ago. No, I know I need work as much as he does which is why we've both stuck together. We WANT to work through this and become stronger. That's why I want to give this everything I've got. As for my relationship with my mother, I know I will NEVER hate her, but I just can't take her personality anymore. I don't have a thick skin anymore. Does that make me a fair-weather daughter? Yes, likely, but I just can't handle it anymore. I go there and my daughter and I are showered with gifts and taken to restaurants and other cool places, but then I'm given lectures and comments about how I'm not doing this or that right and how she paid for this or that and she deserves this in return. I didn't ask to be showered with all of this, I thought we did things like this because we wanted to because we love and care, not because we expect something in return. She was gone the first, almost half, of my vacation at the last minute then when she got back demanded I do everything she wanted me to, regardless of the fact that the best friend I was staying with took her vacation the last week I was supposed to be in FL because that is what she and MY MOM discussed. Then she sends a lot of money home with me to spend on my daughter for Christmas. We've been able to spend MAYBE half of that money; there just isn't a whole lot a 4 year old needs or even wants and even less so when we don't have the space to keep it all. My husband and I would've been happy to get her one of those power-wheel cars but we have NOWHERE to keep it. Our storage is full and out apartment is small and keeping it outside in the constantly changing weather would just kill it really fast. There was no point in getting it for her. So we are doing the best we can in other ways, but I've been warned that all we've done may not be good enough and my mother may rage at me regardless. In light of that my husband says if she does rage or complain we'll send the money back to her. A simple solution, yes, but one that will cause more rage to come at me, I'm sure. So here I am, feeling fragile this holiday season. Hardly able to do or enjoy anything because I feel constantly beset by something so I'm trying to do as much as I can to avoid or soften everything; if that makes any kind of sense. Hopefully things will get better here, here is what is most important to me, but I feel like my mother and I will drift apart and I will be constantly reminded of that by her. So many times I've been told to just take it, to swallow it and deal, grow up or grow a pair and learn to deal with people's (especially hers since she's my mom) opinions of me. I'm very tired. I want nothing more than to be left alone now to figure myself out. To make my life here with my husband and our family work, not just for our daughter's sake, but for my own as well. My husband and I are both people that didn't want a lot out of life. Sure more money is always great, but we both never saw careers for ourselves, had a taste for the fancy or glamorous. We're both homebodies who just want stability, acceptance and love. Going out once in a while is good, fun even, but a lot of the time, as tired as we both are usually, we pretty much just want to be home and do things here together. Watch TV, play video games, read books or all just run around the house like dorks playing tag. And in all of those examples we include our daughter, always. We just want a quiet and comfy life for ourselves. To be there for each other and focus on the things that not only help make us better but make us happy, and at our own pace.

Bells, whistles and buzzing

These past two weeks have been very crazy for me personally. My husband is more settled into his new job, and still likes it quite a bit so our family is stable again in that regard. I, however, have health-wise taken a turn for the worse. My ears are both broken right now. Ringing up to high heaven, both of them, and from what I can tell with what I can hear there's been more hearing loss to boot. Our microwave didn't beep right, and I know the microwave is fine. I tried playing a youtube video I've seen before and recognized that it didn't sound right; in fact there were certain things I knew were there that I couldn't hear at all. Still, I have to make a couple phone calls this morning to get directions and an appt for my husband's car so hopefully I can muddle my way through that. I have no idea if what I am going through will pass, if this is a reaction to something recent or some other new development or if I'm actually looking at deafness in my near future. I'm doing all I can to not over stress because this current state of condition is stressful enough on its own. I've dropped caffeine again for a bit, drinking more water and chamomile tea to promote calm/relaxation so I can manage sleep. I have gotten a bite guard as well for at night. I don't grind my teeth, but I have noticed with all these recent health changes that I've been clenching my jaw hard a lot. Now I get a text message from my boss that we have an RI today on top of not having gone into work yesterday. I'm not looking forward to work anymore, and it's not that the job has changed or now I hate it, it's simply not feeling well to deal with it. I will, of course, but that's another stressor on me that I don't want. Normally I would work in the afternoon/evening, but these past two weeks I don't want to be out that late anymore. I'm tired by 4~5 o'clock (not to sleep, just tired) and any attempt to push myself after that right now only makes me feel worse. So I guess I have to add going into work early to the list of things I need to do today. I don't mean to be irritable or alienate myself, but I am just not well right now. There's jack all I can do beyond what I am doing until I can get more testing done. I hope we find something wrong, something fixable one way or another. This is going to be hard on me for a while yet I fear.

Some clarity

Despite my husband coming home every day tired then becoming irritable because an item he needs in FFXI is not on the auction house and hasn't been for days, all is well. My parents have offered to send me my wages I would be missing for the three weeks I'll be gone which will help us a lot. Amazingly that's easier for them then trying to change/cancel the flight plans. My mother told me a friend of hers had a flight scheduled and had an accident that resulted in broken bones and the airlines made her jump through hoops to change things. It's not impossible, but apparently it's just easier to pay me my missed wages and keep the flight to come visit. Sad in a way, but I'm not complaining. I got a stand for my computer monitor to raise it and it's forcing me to sit up straighter to see better, which is good, but you never realize how bent out of shape you are until you start doing things the right way. It's forcing me to take breaks though which I think in the long run will be helpful and better overall. Now if I could just figure out/master my sleeping habits I'd probably start to see improvements in how I feel. Hard to control sleeping habits though when you're unconscious most of the night. Doctor appointments have been sneaking up on my because I have been living life lately by the seat of my pants. My fault, but I was just having trouble keeping up with everything with so many changes. Everything's going to work out which is wonderful, but now I need to focus on getting things straight again. One thing at a time I suppose.