Seems I need to keep some kind of "Mind Dump" journal by my bed and just write everything on my mind, whether I need to remember it or not, before I go to sleep at night. I managed to sleep last night, but the night before was horrible. I thought writing stuff down was for things I needed/wanted to remember, but my boyfriend says not necessarily. In a lot of ways I hate how much I have changed since my first pregnancy. I DO NOT HATE OR RESENT OR REGRET MY DAUGHTER. Not by a long shot, but the changes I feel both physically and mentally are quite radical, it sucks. I already, before, felt like I needed more care and maintenance than most, but now it feels like that's been tripled. I have hope things will get better, a little assurance deep in my heart, but it's going to take me a lot more than most to get there. I just need my time back. Not the time before I had my kid, the time of when my kid is in speech school 2 hours/2 days a week and my two days off. I need them to stay mine. Since I got back from my last trip to FL then haven't all been like they're supposed to. Work has been wonky as hell since we lost one of our bodies. She still works for us, but no longer in house, and we need an in house body. I'm glad she's still helping, but it still feels like we need more help and I can't give that yet. My daughter starts kindergarten later this year, when that happens I can definitely give more; hopefully 5 days a week. However, until then, I need those 4 hours and 2 days a week for things for myself. Either fun things or everything else things like errands, around the house etc. Things just need to get balanced again and I have been feeling paralyzed in more ways than one. Maybe I will download Pokemon Go again when the weather starts to warm. Give myself a gaming excuse to go on walks again. It was easier to when my daughter was a little younger, now she's old enough to want to stop at every park on the way instead of just walking like I would like to. This too shall pass and I feel like everything will either be fine or get better. I just wish I could feel the same for my boyfriend's job. He himself is fine, but they laid off his co-worker and friend. They are still friends, mind you, but that's another person down (one guy quit not long ago) and they were already short a considerable amount of people and not hiring more. Currently my boyfriend is essentially doing 4 jobs right now. I wish I could say that it's not permanent, but even before the loss of his co-worker/friend, he was juggling more than his share because of lack of bodies. So I just don't know. We will figure out a way to do better eventually and he will not be at this job forever; but for the time being, possibly the next couple years he will have to endure. He's getting management experience at this job though, so that is a plus. The longer he can hold out that's more experience under that belt, but this has been it's own unique slice of hell. Alright, I've put off long enough. Nature's calling and I need to get ready for work anyway.
It's been a time these past two and a half weeks. The vacation to FL was anything but a "vacation". That is not to say I didn't have some fun, I did. It was just a lot of stress too. Stress from helping to prepare for the wedding. Stress from my daughter weirdly getting sick. Stress from my boyfriend being overworked and stressed and thus overreacting and not handling my new phone situation (that all got worked out of course). Stress from my parents office drama. Stress from my mother's loathing of my boyfriend (loathing may be too strong a word, but it's in that vein). Stress from trying to get everything else done (two art pieces, seeing other family members, and trying to get in some play time of Until Dawn). Also stress from coming home to catch up at work. I powered through it all, of course, but it's exhausting. I was off coffee for pretty much two weeks and I was OK. I'm trying to start drinking it again here (just one a day like I was, no more than that) and I don't feel as OK. I really think my time with it has passed. I'm just not feeling as well with it. I'm glad I tried again to confirm that suspicion though. Just like when I was in FL I confirmed that drinking alcohol should stay a once in a long while thing. It was hard watching the drama my parents were dealing with. Imagining the drama everyone else must have been dealing with. It was also hard taking the punches I did get (only a couple this time, not too terrible) but there was nothing else to do but take them. All I can do is try a little harder to make sure then people I love know that I care and keep moving forward with everything I have. Will my relationship fail or succeed? I don't know, but I will keep moving forward until I do know. I will not stay in something I feel confidant won't work. Like if I do end up moving back to FL, I will do everything I can to figure out how to do that on my own because I know staying with my parents will not work. They're honestly past that point in their lives anyway. I will keep moving forward as I see fit and will not deal with anything my daughter and I do not deserve, that is a promise to myself, to my daughter and to everyone else I love.
This post got a little derailed because I ended up taking a phone call partway through. Still, I got a few things out here which is what I wanted to do.
This post got a little derailed because I ended up taking a phone call partway through. Still, I got a few things out here which is what I wanted to do.
I'm tired of being sick, it's not fun. I'm also in a grey area with my relationship. That's not exactly fun either. Things are going well, but we still get those hiccups now and then that completely derail both of us emotionally. The outbursts haven't happened again yet, so that is a HUGE plus. Proud of that actually. Still, those hiccups knock me back to square one and I know they bother him to some degree as well. We both have respective distresses that do not involve each other: work, illness, kid, etc. We are both aware and empathetic to those stresses. Yet, it still feels like we're coasting. We're basically treading water with life right now because where we are and the lack of help we have out here has locked us into our current lifestyle. It's a soft lock though because with all hope I can land another job OR at least a second part time job once our daughter starts school. Until then though, what we have is what we've got. If that can't cut it then I don't know what will happen. I find myself in an odd place. I love him, and I do mean that, but the love feels detached somehow. Like if we were to split I would still care about him. Not in a pining, please come back sort of way, but he would still matter to me. I can see the good in that, but it also makes me feel off. Like it shouldn't be like that in a romantic relationship. Maybe I feel this way because we haven't found a way to click with each other yet. He claims he knows my "love map" through and through and I don't seem to know his at all. I don't feel like he knows my "love map" as well as he thinks he does because he keeps making the same mistakes with me, but I do feel that he's right about me not knowing his. He is really hard for someone like me to understand or "get". Gift giving, conversation, time together are all hit and miss. Every time I think I know what he's looking for I get proven wrong. Sometimes I'm not completely wrong, just missed the mark, but that makes it no less confusing for me. When I am given little input for things because he has no opinion or is too tired to think my guesses don't work the way I hope they will and I get even more discouraged. There's no hate or resentment here. I am not mad at this. I knew relationships were hard, I just don't know where "too hard" is. That line where you should cut your losses and move on. I am not saying I want that, I just don't know what's enough to know "it's not going to work" if it's not. I do know that he is plenty aware that another outburst and I will cut my ties permanently. Those outbursts are both ugly and scary and I will not tolerate them anymore, no matter how much I care. Our daughter doesn't deserve those anymore than I do and I certainly don't want her thinking that's acceptable behavior. As I said though, that hasn't happened again yet which is a "yay!" in my book. Beyond that hard line everything else is wind swept sand. All I know to do is keep going, keep trying and hope that someday things will click one way or another. Beyond the outbursts I have no definitive "We're done" clauses, aside from the normal cheating and such, of course. Hopefully things will continue and we'll find out in time.
It's just one of those days today that no matter what I do I don't like myself; how I look, how I feel. I also don't want to DO much of anything either, least of all go to work. I slept like a rock so hard last night I slept in my hoodie sweater that I am normally NOT comfortable in (for sleeping). I think the stress of everything that's been going on these past few weeks: Slipped ribs, boyfriend's car accident, the holiday, doctor appts, speech school, errands and wonky schedules. I'm just done. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything other than clean my house, set up the Christmas tree and play breath of the wild (or lay in bed and read a book). I am not impressed so far by the Crisis on Earth X crossover (2/4 eps watched), was disappointed to find out the Constantine show was canceled just like the Dresden Files show was. I can see WHY both shows were canceled, but it bothers me that no one can or cares to get that kind of show right. It has a lot of potential and is a lot of fun, but instead we get more of the same. The four DC shows are becoming drama fests. I know drama needs to be in them, and that's been fine with me, but they have really amped the drama way more than necessary and idk why. Fan service? Well, I'm a fan that is not serviced by it. I can only hope all this ridiculousness dials back to what it was in the first two seasons where the drama was there, just not rampant. I miss the shows focusing on what they're supposed to be about: the good guys trying to identify the bad guy, their plot and beat them. Lately there just seems like there has to be drama between every single character and it just feels so needless. I don't think I'm going to find the silver lining in much today. This is just a day I want to get past. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm also decently cold today and I can't tell if it's just me because my body still feels so spent, or if it actually is really cold and I have to force my kid to bundle up. If I leave it up to her she wouldn't wear a jacket right now, but it's really too hard for me to tell. I'll just throw a lighter jacket on her maybe. Meet her halfway. I better go to work so I can bring this crappy day to a close.
It's been a roller coaster of a time lately. Him acting up again, everyone getting sick, I ended up with a slipped rib, he ended up in a car accident and now has no car, we've been pretty much enjoying our time together, we've been able to actually talk to each other. Up and down, back and forth. It's hard to make sense of it all. Am I really getting through? Does he really get how I feel? I know I've worried my family that I might come down for my sister's wedding in January and never leave, but that's honestly a worst case scenario. I hope that doesn't happen, but I can only put up with so much as well. I only told them it was a possibility because I didn't want to just spring something like that on them if it happens. I'm still here with him, I am still willing to keep going; to keep trying. I'm just done dealing with the childishness, but more so those outbursts/tantrums. They are ugly, sometimes scary and uncalled for; they're also a poor example for our daughter. Our daughter loves us and I know would love us to stay together. I am trying to do that for her, for myself and even for him, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. I have dealt with all of this far longer than most would. I know there's a good person there, in him, but I also know that if he can't change then WE can't change. It isn't just about ME getting better, he has to as well. I'm done bending, I am going to put my foot down where it needs to be, and if that can't be handled then that's a shame. I know I am not easy or simple, but I am not unreasonable. I know I don't always get things right away, I learn differently, but I can and do get there. My struggle frustrates me as much as anyone else, but having it rubbed in my face time and again is unnecessary. It's not something I will put up with anymore. I have baggage, we all do, and a lot of mine is medical at this point. It's not something I can change, only learn to manage. Which means whoever I share my time and space with has to learn to deal with it in a way where it's not being held against me. Can't deal with me? I can respect that, it's not easy for me either, but I am a good and loving person. I have my strengths and I will give when I can. I will not suffer being made to feel less than human or that anything of mine doesn't matter (opinions, feelings, etc). I would rather you walk away from me and make room for the people who do want to deal with me. I believe that if he truly wants to keep and deal with me he could; we could be fine together. I just don't know if he really does. He says he does, but he doesn't make me feel that way a lot of the time. Regardless I am still here until I can take no more. I am still willing. I just hope he truly gets how close I am to taking no more from him.
He exploded again Monday night. It was a small one, but an outburst nonetheless; and in front of our daughter too. The worst part was it was over things that were absolutely trivial. Yes, those trivial things may have made him feel a certain way, I will not deny that much, but they were not something I, or anyone else, would say was explosion worthy. The short version of events was that he was playing 14 and queued for a raid in progress, when he got in he commented that it was probably a failed run. I didn't have much to say to that, I think I may have made a "mmm" sound, but I don't know for sure, maybe not; I was looking through Netflix for something to watch as I am still sick and not feeling like doing too much. He then asked me if I wanted to watch the final boss fight of the raid now that I understand how the mechanics work, I told him, "No, thank you. Maybe another time." I continued looking through Netflix (yes I am picky apparently) and then he brings up a topic about the new unstable magic set coming out that was on Reddit about a school poster/PSA thing with gears. Well he started, as far as I could tell with the poster, so when I didn't understand we researched the gear thing. Once I understood that and acknowledged as much I went back to Netflix, but then he brought up an unstable card trying to explain the gear thing again and I got really confused. My confusion made him visibly frustrated and I couldn't understand why. When I tried to ask about it he started to go off on me a little. I was ignoring him, I wasn't conversing with him, I wasn't understanding him. None of these things, I felt were true, and they were certainly not my fault. I didn't get it or appreciate the animosity I felt so I got up to put my dinner dishes away to cool off and think and that's when he started yelling and slammed his controller down so hard on his desk it bounced and fell. He then wanted apologies from me for making him feel ignored, apologies for not having anything to say or not saying I didn't have anything to say. It was ridiculous. I didn't feel I had treated him that way, and I certainly didn't feel I did anything actually wrong. I did my best to not only usher our daughter into her bath quickly to remove her from the immediate situation, but to also try to get through to him how DONE I am with this behavior. We'd gone over once or twice that I was pretty uninterested in the Un-sets of magic, yet he keeps wanting to talk about them with me. I tried to convey to him that I felt we were talking alright. It wasn't a riveting conversation, no, but I didn't feel like I was ignoring him, brushing him off, etc. And when I was confused over the whole gear topic I not only acknowledged that maybe he wasn't explaining things right, but that I also didn't blame him for it if he was. I was just confused and that is not something that was either of our faults. I have been decently sick since last Sunday (possibly Saturday night) so I am not at my best. I admit that. That is not something someone who cares about me should be faulting me for and asking me to apologize for. He did a 180 on me when I wasn't backing down or calming down so I have no idea how much I got through to him. I have no idea if he has a clue how close he is to losing both of us because I can't take it anymore. My "love tank" as one of the self-help books we were given coins it is practically on empty. I'm not asking him to shower me with gifts we can't afford and to go out to eat all the time. However, when we sit down to watch TV together most of the time I don't really get cuddled, I get feet on my lap. Most of the time when we go out I have to be the one to grab his hand to hold because he doesn't grab mine at all. His job has been hellacious lately and he's been sick and exhausted, I get that. I am long over due for my prednisone shot for my ears, not to mention been dealing with a sinus infection or something and not sleeping as well. We're both spent lately, and I get that, but I'm not going to apologize for things I didn't do, or shouldn't have to anymore, and I am not going to put up with that outburst behavior anymore. I can only hope he truly understands that, because I do have a trip planned to FL for my sister's wedding, and according to the attorney I spoke to back in April, we aren't married, so unless someone takes it to court I can take my daughter back to FL with me. That is a worst case scenario, mind you. I would much prefer to work things out and/or do things the right way. I am at my wits end though with what else I can do. It's pretty much on him to "grow up" in certain ways.
The red flags are starting to come up again. It feels like not long after the lease was re-signed that things started to trickle back into the same old issues; the same old habits. There is no denying that I care for him, and some part of me does love him. Yet not enough of me does anymore. I feel like his idea of a partner is a mom and a cheerleader and I can't be that. Especially for someone who can't manage to try and take care of himself beyond the minimum amount of effort and time. His weight is bothering him again and while it doesn't diminish his physical attractiveness to me, it diminishes his overall attractiveness when he constantly wants ME to remind him to exercise, he wants ME to make him eat healthy, he wants ME to do everything WITH him because it's more motivating to him that way. He wants to log it all on a spreadsheet he barely looks at himself for days/weeks at a time. I just don't want to anymore. It feels self-defeating to try. Experience has taught me that our bio-rhythms do not sync up, and while that's not a make or break thing usually it makes it hard to do the things he wants to do when he wants to do them. He wants sex usually at 3am, I don't want it until 6am or noon. He wants to be forced to work out after he's been home for a couple hours and that time is never consistent; it can be anywhere between 4pm and 7pm. My workout mojo (I guess it's called) is first thing in the morning or early afternoon. I also have no control over what he eats when he's at work 10-15 hours a day. I just don't really cook for him anymore. I can on the weekends, but that's not enough to help get his weight under control. I just don't want to hold his hand anymore, especially since we almost never hold hands romantically anyway. Cuddling to him is having his feet on my lap with me massaging them. I rarely get the more normal kind of cuddling. His behaviors are also starting to be mimicked by our daughter, for example he doesn't like kissing me when I have lip gloss on, that's fine, but his reaction when it does happen is one of comic disgust. Now our daughter does it to me every time I try to kiss her. That doesn't make me feel good. I already feel disparity in love with him, I don't need or want to feel like that with my daughter too. Granted, deep down I know better, but it doesn't make me feel good all the same. I feel like it's a long road ahead of me since we signed another lease. I also feel like all the answers have been staring me in the face this whole time and I just kept clinging to hope in vain.
So, we may be making some progress. He had a mini breakdown yesterday which was not exactly my doing. Yes I was bothered yesterday; I kept making little mistakes that bothered me and my stomach was being touchy. Both of those were a) no one's fault and b) gotten over in an hour or two (give or take). Still he stressed himself out to the point of tears over it. I feel bad in a way that he's this nervous, but in a way it's also good because it means he realizes we still need work. I did say WE mind you, I made some boo-boos the last couple days myself (and over all too). We laid together in bed talking things out. He's asked for a little more responsibility (he's actually been doing decent with the bit he already was given) and I am happy to oblige. He wants to cook more now. Granted, there are only 2-3 days a week he can (weekend mainly) which is fine; I still enjoy cooking. So I'm starting to shape a bit more of a menu now since there are going to be days where it won't be me cooking now. Yesterday laying with me he said he wants so badly to make me happy, and I do believe him. Not all the times I'm unhappy are his or anyone else's doing though. Sometimes it's just the wrong side of the bed sort of thing. He also said he wants to get better at cheering me up too, whether it's his fault or not, and I appreciate that a lot. I'm not 100% sure yet how to direct him there, but I think we can figure it out over time. All of this is giving me more hope for this relationship. I am very happy about that, truly. We still need some work, no denying that, but I feel a little more secure than I have been in months. Not 100% secure, I still have to keep things moving for the better, but more than I have been. Now I just need to get back on track with other things like tracking my spending, when I need the next prednisone injection and what I'm going to do about hearing aids. We have a beautiful family here, we truly do. We're just very awkward right now. Hopefully we can pull through this stronger.
Yesterday was another argument that left me in tears and feeling unloved. I left for work and came home to reports of how well Delilah did with flash cards and workbooks, chores being done and him trying like hell to find the card sleeves I originally wanted. A complete 180 from what I left for work. Effort is good and wanted, and I'm not saying, nor do I believe, that I am guiltless. I just wish effort didn't have to come at such a price. I even told him yesterday, amid tears, that when things are going good we are a beautiful family. Perhaps that sunk in, I don't know. He also managed to find better explanations online about the whole "you is an attack word" thing. It's actually more than that it turns out, and it was helpful. Maybe this is just a rough patch for us and we'll figure out how to come out of it fine or better; I just don't know yet. I am still here trying though. The ring has not yet come off my finger. It may be more than my loved ones feel he deserves, but I have to do everything I possibly can before a life changing decision can be made; it's not just my life that would change. Still, the back and forth we're going through is, in itself, unsettling. I'm still not sure what to think, but I at least understand better one of the major things he's been trying to tell me. He's had access this whole time to look it up, still, better late than never I suppose.
He made a considerable effort to make up for what happened in the last post, but I still feel wary/confused/like shit. I don't know what to do. I still feel like I'm having to jump through hoops for little to no reward. He hasn't said a word about my new purse, it was an early birthday gift from my boss and coworker, sure, but he hasn't even acknowledged it. I'm sure that's another one of his "great efforts" to make things better or whatever way you want to put it, but I get the feeling it's just another thing eating at him inside that will come out at me when he explodes with stress again. I feel like I'm doing my best not to let that happen, but I also feel everything I'm doing is getting nowhere.